Geordie Shore - Episode One

Our favourite Geordie bellends are back! Yay! We’ve missed this somewhat dysfunctional family more than we miss being able to get excited about a happy meal toy. If last series is anything to go by we’re in for a right dirty treat. Here’s what we learnt from episode one…

1. It does feel good to be back with these bellends.
2. We had to pause it for a good 5 minutes after the preview of Charlotte running through the street naked. Too. Much. Funny.
3. Harlotte are back. They’re kind of like herpes; you can never truly get rid of them,
4. Holly’s famous last words ‘she's not going to go there’ with Kyle. We’ve had cocktails that lasted longer than we think she will.
5. We can’t hope wondering if Kyle owns anything with sleeves.
6. Our Scotty T crush is reignited, so wrong but so right.
7. Blonde Vicky! She looks so damn classy... then opens her mouth and utters the sentence ‘I’d rather frig myself off with a cactus’ – we love her.
8. Oh look it's the one with the face and the muscles. Is it jack? Joe? Oh James…
9. Favouritism in the work place; disgusting! Where are the equal opportunities? Every slut deserves a chance!
10. Aaron is never going to take a hotdog out of a mans arse again… That's what George Michael said.
11. Some people can draw the NYC skyline from memory. Holly can draw Kyle, Scott and James’s penis’; the skills.
12. We know Scotty T is pretty talented and all that, but he's not fucking psychic.
13. Gaz was sat between two arguing silverbacks but looked like he was watching Downton Abbey. Too much chill.
14. Forget Robot Wars, it’s all about Potato wars.
15. Scotty releasing his inner bitch is like drinking an ice-cold beer after eating 6 crackers; refreshing.
16. Aaron got wet. Oh the irony.
17. Swilling is a big deal.


TOWIE - Episode Four

Episode four and still no repercussions from the Jasmin ‘he said, she said’ debacle – we feel let down. We did however get a whole dose of manly, muscle action (thank you) and a whole load of opinions. Here’s what we learnt…

1. When a show starts with the sentence ‘A little swag for your entertainment…’ we will throw up a little in our mouth.
2. Boys breakfast chat is like Jack Black, light hearted, cheeky and funny. Girls sauna chat is like Anne Hathaway, serious, whiney and overrated.
3. It’s one thing calling Ricky, ‘Jess’s little bitch,’ but insulting the beard combing process is a step too far Sims!
4. Someone needs to tell Lydia it’s quite simple, if she doesn’t want to be his mum stop acting like she is.
5. Arg is like a weird version of Snow White, getting his little helpers to do all the housework for him, we’re surprised he didn’t burst out into song.
6. All that stretching led to some educational post-baby nunny chat. Billie should release a book or truths.
7. Opinions opinions opinions. Gemma thinks Chloe's right blah blah blah, but logic suggests if she did reeeeeeeally love him, she'd forgive him doing a stupid.
8. Ironed linen is marriage material
9. The Essex strongest man competition really could have benefited from costumes, we were thinking Speedos and bow ties.
10. We've ever seen someone as excited as to Ricky to beat Elliott since a kid in our class got two toys in their kinder egg!
11. Dan is a beautiful beast.
12. Lockie was rocking some serious hulk shoulders in that white vest. His audition for the lead role in the next die hard movie went very well.
13. For the first time in a whoile we feel sorry for Lewis. Fran's voice, aimed right at him... nobody should have to deal with that.
14. The beard clearly has powers. Ricky pulling that car did something to our ovaries.
15. Hmmmmmmmm we don't remember Elliott putting it exactly like that Gemma. That story had more spin on it than the waltzers.


TOWIE - Episode Three

We were half expecting this episode of TOWIE to include a fair amount of girl fights and plenty more, he said that she said that he said I said, chat aimed at Jasmin… but instead we got a trip to Thorpe park, only a snippet of beard action and the revelation that Elliott gone done a bad. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Having a half naked George in Tom’s bed is like putting a limited edition Playstation game in front of a 19 year old acne covered boy and telling them not to play with it. Oh the temptation.
2. Charlie has the neck of David Dickinson and the face of Edward Cullen; tantastic.
3. Chloe’s doo looked remarkably like a horse mane.
4. We adore Debbie’s ‘Keep calm it’s only an extra chromosome’ t-shirt!
5. Danielle's letter to Lockie went downhill faster than the fat kid in Captain Hook.
6. Lockie’s letter had much less ‘fucks’ than his last.
7. Geogia doing the ol’ invite someone to be polite trick then looking like she’d just found an old bag of dog crap in her pocket when Tommy actually turned up.
8. When Fran unleashes her inner rottweiler she's far scarier than any ride at Thorpe Park.
9. Elliott was playing football but not wearing a football kit; we feel cheated!
10. We've finally realised who Tommy reminds us of! A much better groomed Spencer Pratt during a face fuzz faze.
11. We laughed far too much at Diags’ ‘Carer’ line.
12. Tom is slowly morphing into Gerard Butler, minus the hot accent.
13. Why was Tommy wearing an outfit that’s perfect for a date with Netflix on a night out?
14. The Ricky beard alert was brief but beautiful.
15. If Arg wants a nap he should be allowed a goddamn nap.
16. Lewis’ smug grin told a very different story to what his lips were.
17. Elliott gone done a bad.


MIC - Episode Two

Episode two of Made In Chelsea gave us a dose of some serious fashion porn, like hot damn serious! We also saw the most awkwardly adorable date ever, how not to keep a secret and why Jamie would be both the best and worst boss in the world. Here’s what else we learnt…

1. Sam is an excellent bitch… we do however think he needs a uniform.
2. Having Jamie as your boss would be like letting a chimpanzee do you hair. It looks amusing, but it’s going to get messy.
3. Lucy should never dabble in the music industry.
4. Andy declaring Louise is a catch and Lucy giving it the ol’ side eyes gave us a warm glow.
5. We'd give Lonan one... Wait we mean ‘A’ one… no we mean a 9.
6. Once the sentence 'Show you my thing' was uttered we realised we have the same level of sophisticated humour as Stevie.
7. We're a little bit in love with Louise's shirt with the black collar. We need it. We need it now!
8. Andy's more gutted than a bad guy Jack Bauer is after that’s just swallowed some super spy like evidence.
9. Sam’s presentation was more enthusiastic than a fat kid trying to get into a family sized bag of M&M’s.
10. The hat, the glasses, the shirt... oh Lonan you now have the face of a sexy computer nerd, the body of Thor and the dress sense of David Beckham, we heart you.
11. These sentences from Binky should fill nobody who’s every told her something with confidence… “I'll try and keep it a secret...”, “Can I tell a few people…”.
12. Lucy and Proudlock really need educating on the definition of a secret. These expensive posh schools clearly don’t cover the basics.
13. We’ve decided in the Disney world of love stories, Lucy and Proudlock are totally Pocahontas and John smith (her date attire may have planted this seed)
14. Already planning a second date before you’ve even seen the specials, now that’s intense.
15. We can’t figure out why Louise was dressed as a Stepford wife on a night out, we’re baffled.
16. Andy should just sit looking pretty singing his wonderful songs, him saying words just isn’t working.
17. Tourist Alik is more adorable than a baby Panda feeding a bunny rabbit.
18. We think we may have discovered what Lucy doesn't trust about Proudlock, it's his chiseled jaw, nobody should have a jaw that defined!
19. Mark Francis Wisdom - It's best to have a little of the finer things than a lot of the shit. Pine is not wood and pointing is not lady like.
20. Matt, sorry we mean Will, looked like a serial flasher in his trench coat. Stay away from the parks Will!
21. Proudlock and Stevie’s polo attire was beautiful.
22. Watching super posh people flirting is like watching a nature documentary; oh the fascination.
23. Andy needs introducing to an iron.
24. Jamie's 'I need to tell you something face' is horrifying. They should use that look so scare small children into not putting wallpaper up their noses.
25. Alik did not, he would not!


TOWIE - Episode Two.

This series is so far shaping up to be a right goody; a long awaited, thought it might never happen, genuine goody. It’s got a little bit of everything, old love, new love, no love and Lockie talking about feelings and stuff. Here’s what we learnt from episode two…

1. Bobby’s Breakfast Innuendo will be coming to ITV in 2015.
2. Ricky is morphing into a sexy lumberjack that looks like he could kill a bear.
3. Oh look GC is back... Is it bad we've only just realised she wasn't in it the other night?
4. Chloe and Elliott should really watch Friends to clarify the terms and conditions of 'on a break'.
5. Charlie’s tan is clarification, if you ever needed it, that not everyone suits the ‘sun god’ look; some folks are just built for the ‘pale prince’ style.
6. Mario wins the award for line of the series with this cracker… Charlie “I'm dripping...” Mario “So is Ferne…” We like our humour like we like our men, simple yet effective.
7. We'd like sweaty Tommy to read us a story.
8. Georgia saying “Jasmine Walia” was exactly how we used to say the name of our archenemy in primary school.
9. James in counseling talking about his definition of love melted our tiny cold hearts. He should copywrite that shit and sell it to hallmark for Valentines Day.
10. Oh we don’t half love an ‘accidental’ slip of the tongue, Chloe doesn’t know how Jess can still be friends with 'it' aka ‘Ferne’.
11. We found ourselves wondering what's in Arg’s golf rucksack, we decided it’s probably ham and egg sandwiches, a crowbar and Vaseline.
12. Tommy has never had a vegetable? He does know that the mash he has with pie and mash comes from a potato, right?
13. People aren't happy with Jasmin saying words! No wonder she doesn’t say them very often with all this agg’.
14. When we look at Fran all we see is a tiny moustached man, wearing a top hat, sat behind her eyes controlling her every word followed by a mwuahahaha!
15. We're very fond of Jess's hat, it’s nice to see Charlie and Ferne don’t have the monopoly on Essex headwear.
16. We very much like the idea of a Dan and Lockie sandwich.
17. Nobody tells Charlie Sims what to do except Charlie Sims. Alright!
18. Seeing scenes in The Brickyard always make us hungry.
19. Tom trying to say the right thing went very wrong, very fast.
20. Girls that invent problems are girls we will never understand, kind of like Cricket – pointless.
21. Georgia/Tommy/Jasmin, we're completely lost. Who said what? We need to know. Please reenact the scene immediately.
22. We're fairly certain Elliott has been a knight in shining armour already.